i love funny quotes so here are a bunch of them

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- Rodney Dangerfield

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."The next question, intended for people who had answered  yes to the previous question, was "Why?"The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner. Lyndon B. Johnson. 

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.. 

Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

"A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch."